So sorry it’s been a while :(
My computer was fried by a virus, Becky went to work full time and I began doubting I had heard God correctly about starting this blog. But something deep in my soul says “no, you did hear correctly and this is what you are supposed to do, foolish as it may seem.” So I am back. May God be glorified through this! Amen!
So where were we? You may need an extra a couple of minutes today ;)
The enemy does not take no for an answer. He will come at you again with all he’s got, especially when his control and influence over your life has been broken by God’s truth and you resolve to walk by faith and not by sight. The enemy is the father of lies. He takes bits and pieces of truth and distorts them in such a way that only those who know The Word can recognize it is a lie; even those who “know” The Word can and have been deceived, take me for example.
As the Lord began to restore me, the enemy decided to remind me of certain facts. He reminded me of:
- My unbelief
- My doubt
- My denial
- My mistrust
- My failures
- The depravity of my heart
- The wasted time
- My rebellious attitude
- My weaknesses
- My failures
- My sins
At first this didn’t bother me too much, because I now knew how much I need God and how great his mercy is. However, when the burning in the depths of my soul began to burn once again in conjunction to The Lord speaking to me through His Word that he has a purpose for me in addition to being a wife and mother, the enemy began to gain the upper hand.
I was able to accept that His blood is enough to cleanse me and make me whole (though I am still a work in process.) But why, oh why, would he want to use me? The enemy had a field day with me on this one. I had messed up too much to be usable, I was sooooo unqualified – for goodness sake I am still a piece of coal!
Adding fuel to the fire was the fact that, in the natural, every door had been closed. Doors would open for a short time and then they would be slammed shut. Challenges and difficulties surrounded me and prevented me from doing that which had been laid in my heart. I began to use those hardships as evidence or proof that I had erred. I attempted to convince myself many times I did not hear God - that I am not called into service ministry.
Let me stop here and clarify, we have all been called to minister and into ministry. We are all to spread the gospel, love the unlovable, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, protect the vulnerable, forgive, freely give what we have received – we are ALL TO BE JESUS’ HANDS AND FEET to a needy and dying world. Some of us have been called to do that in the secular world as doctors, lawyers, teachers, business men and women, nurses, maintenance workers, builders, in the fields of retail, politics, sports, etc. (which our world so desperately needs – a people of integrity and honor shining brightly the truth of Jesus.) While others have been called into full or part time (what I call) Service Ministry as bible teachers, evangelists, preachers, pastors and the like (their job being to equip and strengthen the body to be the hands and feet of Jesus.)
To back track and hopefully shed some light on my dilemma, I have never wanted to work in any form of “service ministry”. I loved not being involved. I enjoyed the freedom of coming and going without responsibility. I have been a member at 3 churches over the last 25 years (the two churches I left, I left because I moved) and had never been involved. I have to admit sometimes I felt guilty, but for the most part I didn’t. Then about 7 – 8 years ago the Lord instilled a desire that turned into a passion which then morphed into a burden.
So now I feel this tugging in my heart. There is a sense that I have another purpose to fulfill or that I have work to do…or in my case had a purpose to fulfill. That’s where Satan got the upper hand. I know I am forgiven. But I let God down so much and shamed his name in such a way that I missed my chance to fulfill his original purpose for me. I battled with guilt, shame and condemnation while at the same time desiring to do more for him. I knew God’s word:
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.
God never changes his mind when he gives gifts or when he calls someone.
Romans 11:29 GWT
But I hated the fact that I let him down. Why would he want to still use such a broken vessel? But did I actually let him down? Or is possible that he allowed those circumstances in my life so that His purpose could be accomplished in me? See, I have learned many invaluable lessons through these experiences
- I needed to know what it feels like to be abandoned, forsaken, alone and let down just like Jesus (though I was never actually abandoned, forsaken or alone because he never left)
- I needed to be broken, stripped away of my confidence and security so that I may know what it means to be secure, confident and be made new in him (still learning to live this one out...lol)
- I needed to be humbled
- If I really want to be like Jesus I needed the opportunity to forgive like he forgives, suffer like he suffered and endure like he endured (thankfully He does it perfectly)
- I needed to experience the amazing grace I had always talked about but that only few truly experience and bask in – previous to my fall – I had been a “good girl” yes I sinned like everyone but I never…you fill in the blanks. I fell so low, I have truly experienced and know what Grace is
- I needed to see the depravity of my heart - how unworthy I really am, how sinful I truly am and how under the right circumstances we are all capable of the unimaginable
- I needed to trust his anointing is over my life whether I feel it or not (still learning to live this one out too)
- Who I am is based on who HE IS and what He Has Done
- My talents, giftings, strengths or lack of don’t qualify or disqualify me. He does, based on the response of my heart to him.
By God accomplishing His purposes in me He could now accomplish His purposes through me. And although I still don’t quite know the details of how His plan will unfold in my life, I am confident that His way and Word always prevails. In all this I have seen his faithfulness unfold in my life – even though I was unfaithful to him. Thank you Jesus! Thank you for your faithfulness Mighty God…I love you.
You'll Prove To Be So Faithful
I will See