So where were we? I believe I left off wallowing in the pit I had fallen into. The one I dug with my own hands…
I knew I needed help and decided to see a psychiatrist for my depression. His questions at one point were hard to answer. But at that moment I realized I had to decide what I did and did not believe. With certainty and great conviction I declared - I believed that Yahweh is the only God and that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. But with great pain I had to admit that I doubted his promises were for me and wondered if I had heard him right. I had to be honest if I wanted to find healing regardless of how painful the truth really was. I’m sure I grieved God’s heart that day. I had to. After all my own heart was grieving because I had confessed to a non-believer that I did not believe God’s promises were for me. In my mind I had shamed God’s name and probably fueled his unbelief. How was I an example of the power of Jesus living in me? But as I walked out of the office that day something began to happen. I felt a weight removed – a heavy burden, like chains had broken off or a yoked removed. Something happened in the spiritual realm but I was not sure what. Then the proclamation:
“Your time is up! That is all the time you had to mess with her, destroy her and get her to turn away from me. But you couldn’t.”
God wasn’t talking to me he was talking to the enemy and allowed me to hear the proclamation. The scales that had been blinding me fell off and slowly but surely, like the blind man in Mark 8:22-25, I began to see the truth once again. I began to see his faithfulness and involvement in my life and I was able to see that his word had been proving true all along. He had always been faithful and he had never left me and he most definitely had never forsaken me!!!!!!!
For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energizing, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.
Heeding the advice of the doctor I began seeing a Christian therapist. I expected things to be smooth sailing from here. After all God had intervened in a supernatural way. However, the months that followed were still very difficult. I would take a few steps forward and a couple back. I was covered with dirt and my clothes were stained as I continued to slip and fall. So much so, that I was eating more dirt than manna. My knees were skinned and bruised from all of my failed attempts to continue walking the road of faith - which proved harder than I thought.
Yet God, in his faithfulness, began reminding me of the things he spoke to me before I began the downward spiral that led me into the dreadful pit. In his great mercy he had warned me through his word, dreams, visions and individuals of my upcoming season of trial. Yet, after all these warnings, before and during the storm, I still took my eyes off Jesus and followed my own way. I followed in Peter’s footsteps and began to sink and I was about to repeat King Saul’s mistake and allow fear and doubt to influence my decisions. But God in his great mercy, faithfulness and love intervened that day and changed the course of my life.
In the days, weeks, and months that followed I would almost daily resolve to live by faith and not by sight. Some days I could but more often I could not. When I couldn't I would confess and start again. I began to worship him for who he is and what he has done. I offered him my broken hallelujahs. Slowly, but surely, I began to walk in his amazing grace. How wonderful and amazing is his grace!!!!!
~~~~~~~ ● ~~~~~~~
Faith is a choice, not a feeling. Faith is a resolve to believe what God says even though the natural is contradicting his word; even when we can not see, feel or hear him and in moments where we do not see his hand, can not understand his ways and our hearts may feel like they are bleeding to death. It takes courage and perseverance. It takes staying in his word and trusting him, though you may feel like a fool for doing so. There will be days when you either feel or doubt your resolve of faith. But always remember:
…The Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]! O people…you will weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you. And though the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself any more, but your eyes will constantly behold your Teacher.
Your own ears will hear him. Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,” whether to the right or to the left.
Isaiah 30:18-21 AMP & (v21 NLT)
Will you allow his word to demolish the strongholds, chains and/or yokes in your life? His word “IS” not has been or will be. He spoke and I was set free! He spoke and I was healed! He still speaks, redeems, makes new and heals because he is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). Will you listen for his voice? Will you choose to believe? Will you choose faith? If you do he’ll prove faithful to you. Will you pour your broken hallelujah to him?
I Can Not...But Hallelujah