The moment I wrote my last post something happened. I noticed a release, something changed. But what? The pain up to that point had been excruciating and had even manifested itself physically. What’s interesting is that in the recent months my prayer focus had changed from dying to self to pleading – “Why can’t I just die already?!?” - as I cried out to God. What I had not realized is that unlike Jesus, I resisted the road to Calvary. Even as my hopes, dreams, plans and expectations were being laid on the cross, I would pull away before the nail could pierce my flesh. Once on the cross, I still fought with all of my will not to let go, believing doing so was giving up on what God had spoken to me. Now as I look back I can see that although I was dying to self I was not laying down my life voluntarily. I could not commit my spirit to God like Jesus because I continued to fight - my will would not surrender. God in his great mercy would not let me die until I could commit my spirit to him. He is so good!!! My last post opened up my eyes to what had actually happened.
I died. Finally!!!! It has been a painful and excruciating death for me because my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness - an inability to give up. I am a passionate fighter who pours her everything into the things I do. I do not settle – I find a way. To lay down my expectations, my dreams and my hopes meant I gave up. To God, laying down my expectations, my dreams and hopes meant dying to self that I may live through him. He says it very clearly:
…whoever wants to save their life will loose it, but whoever looses their life for me will find it. Matthew 16:25
Yes, I prayed your will be done your kingdom come, but somehow I never truly let go of what Jesus was asking me to let go of. I did not do it intentionally, I did not realize it. When I finally let go of the expectations I had, I lost my life. No more dreaming and hoping for the things I had envisioned. Yes they were based on promises, but I envisioned how they would come to pass or what they would like once fulfilled. Somehow I took those promises and made them into my dreams, my hopes and my vision instead of his dreams, his hopes and his vision.
This being dead part is scary. It is a very unfamiliar feeling. At first very overwhelming as you mourn what you have lost. There is a feeling of emptiness that leaves you dumbfounded. I guess it’s the shock and reality of death. But as time passes this unusual feeling gradually becomes comfortable because I no longer have burdens to carry, expectations to meet and something to fail at. I actually feel lighter, and all of sudden I recognize the feeling.