His manifest presence had made all I was facing bearable. Though the challenges were great at times so was the awareness of his love and involvement in my life. But Now God Is Gone! At least in my mind he is; and that is where the battle is lost or won. My mind could only focus on his absence, my loneliness, the emptiness and void I now felt.
Life has been very challenging the last several years. Things became difficult after the birth of my fourth child. Unknowingly I was suffering from postpartum depression. It didn’t exhibit itself as a typical case would. I loved my baby and was able and wanted to take care of him as well as my other three children. Instead of sadness I felt overwhelmed and fatigued. Over time I began feeling like a failure. I felt the task before me was insurmountable. My life was always chaos, I was always late, I felt out of control, there was no order, there was this cloud over me – I was depressed. Those years also brought several disappointments in my personal life. One in particular, that to this day still saddens me, was the loss of a dear friendship. I also experienced several unfulfilled promises that felt like unfulfilled dreams. That helped bury me deeper into the dark hole of depression just like Proverbs 13:12 NLT says:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.
My thoughts and emotions controlled me instead of me taking control of them. As time went by things got worse. I was unable to pray, worship, have quiet time, devote time to bible study. I wallowed in feelings of abandonment, betrayal, forsakenness and loneliness. Those feelings progressed to feelings of hurt and disappointment. How could he allow me to keep hurting and leave me alone during such a difficult time?
The Lord felt further and further away and my life turned into complete chaos. My feelings of despair, hurt and abandonment turned into feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness and cynicism directed towards God. That led me to doubt his word and every rhema promise he had given me. I was angry with God but I also wanted to be in his arms.
And then God…
If You Suffer From Depression:
Beloved, Depression is a very difficult trial to face alone. Because Depression is taboo in so many Christian circles, many Christians battle alone because of shame. Depression is not sin, a sign of spiritual weakness or an unsurrendered life to God. It is a medical condition, emotional condition (due to circumstances), a spiritual battle or a combination of all three. I urge you to seek help. The enemy can use Depression to gain a foothold in your life like he did in mine through fear and shame. If you are unable to find the support and encouragement you need from the leaders of your church seek out Christian counselors and doctors who will give you the medical help you need and spiritual support required to triumph over your battle with Depression. There is no reason to live in shame and fear. That is a lie of the enemy. Jesus came to set the captives free and give us an abundant life in him (Luke 4:18 & John 10:10). Press on to lay hold of (grasp) and make your own, that for which Christ Jesus (the Messiah) has laid hold of you and made you His own. Philippians 3:12 AMP